I decided to give myself 100 days of happiness for Christmas. Yes, 100 days from today is Christmas. I noted that someone had hash tagged #100happydays on Facebook and I looked it up. I found a very happy website that claimed that 71% of people who tried to complete this challenge, failed, quoting lack of time as the main reason. Well, I have time to be happy, more so now than ever. I already try to take a photo everyday, but now I’ll be focusing on what makes me happy and trying to take note of those moments on my blog.
More than 100 days ago (128 to be exact, on Mother's Day), my life took a strange turn and I fell into a despair I had never experienced before. There are no words to describe my shock and complete sadness as I suddenly discovered what I thought to be true and real was not. I have spent the past 4 months trying to understand how my perception of reality could be so off. While I know life is not perfect, I thought I was experiencing the ordinary doldrums of middle age and I was sure some kind of magic to return. I made big assumptions. It may have been my over involvement in work, my priorities in my children, my inclination to take over or control things, my naivety, my ignorance, my lack of confrontation, my weight gain, my complete faith and or just my utter trust that all contributed to how my circumstances changed. Still the truth is, I'm am dumbfounded on a daily basis on how things have changed so quickly and so drastically in my life.
I have come to realize how much I need to plan out my life, and honestly, to feel like I am in control. When that control is taken away, I am left feeling helpless and the transition is difficult. The hardest part of it all is the loss I feel-- like everything I had hoped for in life has been snatched away from me. Forgiveness is huge part of the process I am going through, knowing that forgiveness will help lower my blood pressure (which has become very high), lower my cholesterol, improve my sleep quality and offer me peace. While it helps, it is no quick fix for my circumstances. I am left waiting for time to take its course. Change has come, more than I expected, more than I wanted. It is no easy task to be forced to let go of something so big.
So that brings me back to happiness. Sadness is such a big a part of my circumstances these days but I work to overcome it every day. I am a strong woman and yes, I do a lot-- I suppose too much. Now for the first time in my life, I am forced to take care of myself, all by myself, but I am surrounded by a ton of love. I have parents, children and friends who, quite frankly, have kept me alive at times with their love and care these past 18 weeks. Early on, I was tossing out photos and I realized I would need to replace them with other images. I started to work on a large poster to frame and post in my home. I sorted through the photos of the three most cherished beings I have in my life-- my daughters. They are why I can look back and feel no regret, like not a day was ever wasted. I had the poster printed and it now hangs in my newly painted hallway. I gaze upon it daily with awe. Nothing makes me happier than the presence of these three girls in my life. These days I am often without them, but these many photos I have of them remind me of our great love and yes, how very happy they make me feel.