Teri Parris Ford's Blog

Wonderful Weekend

I am really enjoying my weekends again now that I'm back at work and actually going in every weekday. I just finished my 6th week. They announced we will be continuing with virtual learning until the end of January. I mean, we all knew there was no way students would be going to back to school with the COVID numbers in Wisconsin out of control but it was a relief to know for sure. I wondered around the school on Friday, dropping off kits for kids to pick at the front, and then checking to see who all is around. Admin stays locked in their offices so it is not always clear if they are around. There is one person (an SEA) checking in anyone who drives up to pick up supplies. There is another SEA at a different entrance for those who are having computer issues and two techs in a large center ready to fix anything that comes in. I chatted with everyone to find out how busy things were and of course it ways comes in waves with lunch time being a very busy time typically. Once a week there is a large truck that delivers a week's worth of lunches to any family who wants to swing by for that. I rarely see any other teachers in the building, only Patty who is in the art studio with me but stays in ceramics, while I stay in the computer lab. I always wear my mask if I venture out of my seat. The principal gave me several school masks with pockets for filters and Patty gave me several vacuum filters to use that she cut up to fit our school masks which was really nice, so I wear them to the grocery store as well, since I feel like it's safer than just my fabric ones. I rarely go anywhere other than store. 

 Jim has the condo quite decorated for autumn, which is quite festive. He's home most all the time working but goes on long walks, which I try to join him when I can but because I am at work, miss out typically during the week. This afternoon I made sure to join him. I spent my morning grocery shopping, picking up CSA veggies and then cooking up a large Thai Coconut lime stir fry for lunch. Jim had an army weekend, so was pretty busy while did cleaning and laundry and watched the new season 3 episode 1 of Star Trek Discovery for a second time. I made a fire and will try to stay away from doing too much school work this evening.

Wednesdays give me room...

/Our weekly schedule for school goes periods 1, 2 & 5 on Mondays and Thursdays, periods 3,4, 6 & 7 on Tuesdays and Fridays with all day Wednesday for PD and prep. Wednesdays make the week livable. I have prep time on Mondays and Thursdays as well, making those two days pretty nice but my Tuesday and Friday is non stop all day and I have a club on Tuesdays that keep me late. It's kind of crazy. Today after PD meetings in the morning, I spent a couple of hours working on art kits to hand out next week. I left work early to get lunch and eat with Jim. He's been asked to work on Election Night at a local news station in Rochester so he's been studying up on his election history. It makes for fun conversation. I made a fire and worked on school work for the rest of the evening, even though it wasn't very cold out, I still felt like having the cozy fire going.

Panorama

I have thought about writing several times this week but it has been busy. My mom used to call me if I missed a day just to see if I was okay! I'm okay. I started working the box of emails my mom left me and got through all of my old "Ford Criers", and now am left with just the personal emails I wrote to her for a couple of years. She never printed out her emails, just mine, so it is only my words. I think she printed them off for my dad but I am unclear why every email I ever sent her for several years are printed. It ended up being quite a gift. I have spent some time sorting through them wondering what to do with them. Most likely I will create a printed journal for the girls. The year I was in Germany was included, so there is a lot in there and it's mostly about the girls as babies. 

We are having an amazing autumn with glorious weather. My mom's house sold for great price and the same day Erika bought a condo for herself. So the transitions just keep happening. I am excited to remodel her bedroom into an office for virtual teaching. We have decided to hold off on buying a house in Minnesota since Jim doesn't need to be there and the market is so crazy fast. We just don't have the time to look, and decide in such a quick turn around (like Erika did). This week Jessi went to Maine for training, Monika will go to Virginia to cat sit for her and work virtually. Erika will take over the following week. I love that the girls are working together to take care of each other. (photos below: Jessi in Maine, Me with Josh and Patty at work, Monika with her chainsaw).

 

$1K Day

This morning I had a a 7am dentist appointment to get a temporary crown put in. The permanent one will get put in later this month. While I was at the dentist, Jim dropped Balt off at the vet for dental surgery with a few other procedures while he was sedated (x-rays and toenails trimmed). Between the two procedures, I put over a thousand bucks on my credit card. Years ago, I could write about these types of bills and count on a card from both Jim's and my mom with help to offset the expenses. With both of them gone, I know there isn't anyone out there anymore who will feel sorry for me and send a check but I still can't help but complain about it!

It was a pretty crazy morning. After getting my initial shot of "sleepy juice" my lips did not go numb and I kind of freaked out. The dentist came in eager to start drilling and I started shaking afraid of the pain. I was nervous coming, feeling a bit afraid of exposing myself to COVID, so it wasn't just about getting the crown. My dentist gave me a second dose and then a third as well as giving me nitrous oxide to help me calm down after beginning to have a panic attack and hyperventilate. It all worked out fine, but took a lot longer than expected and I was late for my 8:30 class. But the school district's hot spots were all down, so tons of kids were contacting me with technical difficulties and many did not realize I was having my own difficulties.

It was a long, busy day. We had a special staff meeting afterschool to discuss the technical difficulties as well as the high COVID numbers in Wisconsin (the state is bright red on the NYTimes map). I went home and made a vegan grilled cheese with left over vegan potato leek soup, put my feet up and enjoyed winding down.

 

Weekend Update

My weekends are back to being pivotal days of rest and relaxation but also, time needed to catch up. Also this weekend, after a month from my mom's passing and more than 2 months after she moved out, her house is up for sale. Of course I am eager to see all the photos since I can't be there to see the improvements in person. Just seeing the photo on Zillow I was able to see the patio furniture gone. 

I got my flu shot yesterday. I had to set my phone settings to allow my provider to see me coming. It was very interesting to get a pop up on my phone on my way there noting they could see I was almost there. And then once in the parking lot I got another notice to stay in my car and a nurse would get me when they were ready for me.

I made vegan enchilada for lunch (stuffed tortillas with cauliflower rice, peppers, onion and soy chorizo). Jim and I went for a long, 2 hour walk in the woods after a quick visit to Starbucks. I made a fire once home, put my feet up and enjoyed Star Trek and Amazon prime. Sunday morning I made pumpkin scones, worked on curriculum, watched the news and enjoyed a fire. I'm back to LOVING everything about my Sundays instead of feeling like Sunday is just like every other day.

 

Finding a New Normal

Week #4 is in the books and as I worked this week on progress reports, I find myself feeling like I was finding a new normal. Coming into work everyday adds a bit of a risk but the payback mentally is huge. I often go home to use the restroom instead of using them at school. I spray down my desk area every morning (just in case) and use hand sanitizer every time I walk in my classroom since I have to unlock the doors. The few others that work in the building offer some connection, but I know they serve as a risk as well. Patty typically stays on her half of the studio while I stay in my computer lab, but we yell back and forth often. Today while I was yelling at a kid who wasn't responding to me on zoom, Patty answered back! It was pretty funny. And yes, I often get kids who get onto zoom with my class but then don't interact at all and I'm not sure if they have fallen asleep or walked out of the room. 

Tuesday night was Back to School nite so I stayed at work all day into the evening (a 12 hour day). Wednesday Jim and I drove up to Rochester so Jim could pick a few things at the University and get his car looked at. We went out to lunch and relished in the scenic drive with autumn colors. This week the temperature took a nose dive so I have been enjoying a fire in the evenings and I needed to take a space heater into work for my feet.

I continue to chip away at posting old "Ford Crier" emails from 1996 and 97 into this blog. Eventually I will get them printed. I'm trying to work out every morning (Beachbody) but have not had time to get many walks in. Jim and I are staying vegan except when we go out to eat, then we will try to keep things vegetarian. 

Welcome to Week #4

Dear Mom-- Loosing you the day before school started makes things weird, oddly connected. Forever your death will be associated with this school year. All of my friends at work knew you were sick and that I was spending my summers in California to be with you, so when I see people at work (which id seldom) I typically will mention your passing. I can't help but talk about you when I see people for the first time after a long time. 

After my only class for the day, I spent the rest of the day prepping for the week since I had not prepped nearly enough over the weekend. It was like a regular work day, only without kids, and on my butt most of the time. Monika went camping over the weekend and called me on her way back to her place right when I got home. She sent over lots of amazing photos of the UP (upper peninsula). I think about how adventurous my girls are and how worried you'd be about them if you knew what they were all up to, while I know dad would have been impressed and asked about the roads they took going to all the places they go to. Monika recently had work done on her car, a Mitsubishi,  and all I could think about was how I wished I could talk to dad about it. The older I get, the more I realize how much more I had in common with dad's disposition and how little I was like you, esp as you aged. 

Autumn

Jim is really getting into the Fall Season. We've got pumpkins, hung lights, and planted mums. Jim purchased solar lite skulls to pop out of my garden. Saturday was a beautiful day so Jim and I worked on a project in our basement (replacing a window with cement and brick). Today was cooler and rainy. We went shopping for autumn mats and then came home and made a fire. I made pumpkin muffins, worked on curriculum and did yoga. I finished the evening with a fire, but not much school work. I'll pay for it tomorrow. I've decided for my own sanity, I need to make sure I enjoy my weekend.

Zoom Zoom

Week #3 is in the books and now I have the weekend to get my act together to do again and teach next week. I'm starting to get a feel for this new way of teaching which is nothing like last spring really. While I have full classes instead of just a handful of kids, the dynamic has complete changed. I feel like I am teaching to students with bags over their heads. Every so often a kid will give me a glimpse of their face, whether on accident or just for fun but it is rare. With the exception of my yearbook class, most of my classes look like this photo -- me just talking to boxes. It's not fun or easy. A colleague shared with me that she has learned to change up the view to speaker (instead of gallery, like this photo) and just talk into the camera to herself. She ignores the all the black boxes. I am keenly aware that there is a kid behind those boxes, I'm trying to connect with. Today at the end of my last class of the week, kids started saying goodbye to me and it was wonderful. I have a feeling it's going to take the whole semester to get anywhere significant and then I'll have to start over again.

New Project

I brought home a box of emails my mom printed, all from me. These are emails I sent out 25 years ago or so. I have hundreds of sheets to scan and organize. My goal is just to deal with 5 per evening. I am using an app on my phone to scan each sheet which will turn the text into a document I can copy and transfer into my blog, so it takes about an hour to get 5 sheets done. It is kind of fun to read these old emails. So far I've scanned 10 sheets-- most from a 1997 weekly family newsletter I sent out to family and friends, but one was my 1996 Christmas newsletter. I am copying them into this blog under "archived posts". 

As for my work day. Thursday is pretty nice day with one class and one meeting. I met with several students one on one on zoom and chatted with Patty who does school with me in the studio. I got home early, made a late lunch of leftovers. I started working on next week's lessons so I can have time this weekend to enjoy. 

55

I enjoyed a beautiful day. Jessi called me this morning to sing happy birthday and it just made my day because I had been thinking about how my mom would always call and sing to me on my birthday and thought about how this was my first year ever not to have my mom on my birthday. I told Jessi she would now take over the roll of calling and singing to me. I sat out on my patio chatting with her so happy I did not have to go into work today. I got tons of emails and a few requests from kids to meet today, which I did but until after lunchtime. Jim took me out for lunch at a place called Forage Kitchen so that we could stay vegan for the day. I got a Mediterranean bowl with humus, raisins and greens. I went to Whole Foods for a gluten free chocolate cake and flowers. I wore my favorite Bart Simpson t-shirt and took a selfie.

I got up at 3am with Monika who had to drive back to Michigan early. I got an early workout in on beachbody so I know I'll be eager to get to bed early tonight!

Birthday Gifts

I am looking at a week of perfect weather but even better, several meeting were cancelled on Wednesday. I feel like I having a week where I can breathe again. I got some advise from a trusted colleague to slow down. The goals of school have changed and I need to adapt better. I am looking at turning 55 tomorrow and I'm feeling this huge transition in my life has fully turned a corner. My parents are gone, my children are adults and I can retire whenever I want, knowing that the longer I work, the more comfortable I will  be in my retirement. I have heard stories on both sides-- people who retire too early are sorry, people who retire too late wish they had given themselves more time. I have decided to take each year as it comes. 5 years ago, I had planned to be retired by now in order to live with my parents. Boy, am I glad I didn't stick with that plan, as I'd be all alone right now. It's crazy to see how things these past few years have changed.

The girls and I enjoyed a wonderful dinner out this evening after my busy work day. It was the very first time I have gone out to eat since the shut down happened in March. I made sure to get reservations for outdoor patio seating on the edge, fearing sitting too close to too many folks. It was wonderful. The weather was perfect and it was my one cheat day on veganism for the month. I got a pretzel burger with onion rings and drank many refills of diet coke with my free birthday glass from the Nitty Gritty. I loved the long conversations had with Erika and Monika. Jim had a class and couldn't come but promised to take me out to lunch on my actual birthday!

 

It's Birthday Week!

I had a rough week last week. I got overwhelmed with the work load and got overly emotional. I'm feeling better this week. Monika is here to help make life feel more festive but she needs to go back to work on Wednesday. She's made chickpea chocolate chip cookies and tahini banana muffins thus far. I've gained 3 pounds since she got here... Being a vegan might help me feel healthier but it isn't a weight loss program. 

After a wonderful weekend, with great weather, I had a very nice Monday. My Mondays and Thursdays have only 1 class and the schedule is quite nice but I pay for it on Tuesdays and Fridays when I have 4 classes and full schedule. I have had to rethink the way I am presenting things. I need to decrease my prep time. I also need to figure out how to get kids to open up a bit more. I am reminded of my first summer teaching high school 20 years ago. I remember my students all clammed up, most just wanting to sleep, feeling so frustrated that they would not let their guards down with me as easily as my middle school students did. I know I'm not the only teacher out there feeling frustrated, but that doesn't make it any easier.

Jim and I had a wonderful walk this evening. It's officially Fall and the leaves are starting to show it. I got my cord of wood delivered this weekend. Every year I get a cord of wood for winter fires and bulbs of spring daffodils to plant in fall as part of my birthday gifts. I'm going to try to celebrate all week!

Bagel Feet

I brought home with me a foot chew toy my mom had. She loved all things feet. She always made sure I had good shoes and would encourage me to take good care of my feet. I remember one time how we laughed about my big ol' feet or "bagel" feet. As with many silly moments in our family, we would relive the moment and laugh again and again... for years. So now when I see Balt playing with his foot chew toy, I think of my mom. Obviously I miss her. When I was here in Madison, I was always thinking about making time to call her. I don't think a week ever went by when I didn't talk to her at least once. Well, it's been two weeks now. I've called my aunt and chatted with my cousin and that helps relieve the ache of missing her. Lots of friends have reached out, gotten me coffee, brought me flowers or treats. I am so blessed. 

Monika came home for the weekend. Like me, she is grieving. She was able to live with my mom for a year and had 4 years in LA to visit my mom and dad often and make stronger connections with my parents that she might have missed out on earlier in her life because we lived in Wisconsin.  Having both Monika and Erika to talk to about my mom has been really special because both of them lived with her and really got to know her as adults. I am so glad they had that opportunity. I have such fond memories of staying with my grandma for weekends. A girlfriend of mine was just showing me pictures of her grandkids and it made me think about that legacy. I hope to have time to spend my grandkids someday!

Today is Friday, one of my busiest days of my week. I left work at 4pm sharp and refused to answer anymore emails. I have lots to prep for this weekend but I might leave it all for Sunday. I am eager for a day off.

Two Screens

Dear Mom-- Oh boy, am I busy! I set up a second screen to help with my multi tasking. While I'm on zoom with one screen, I can have another open to check emails or see what kids are turning in. The prep involved for all my classes is crazy. It takes me hours to prepare a 15 minute presentation and several more hours to prepare an assignment that might take a student 1/2 hour to do. The only upside is that if I continue to teach these classes in the future, I will have a lot I can use. I spent time with students today drawing. 6 kids said they did not have the supplies although last Friday, no one said they needed supplies. I put 8 more kits together for them to pick up and I'll hope they will be prepared on Friday when I see them next. I had one student finish my drawing assignment early but did it all in pencil when I wanted it done with a sharpie marker (I did not put a pencil in my kit, only a sharpie marker and paper!). If that kid had been in my class, I could have caught her doing the work in pencil before she got too far. It all feels kind a crazy and somewhat frustrating. It takes twice as much time to be a teacher on line! The COVID numbers here in Madison are crazy too. I don't see kids coming back to the classroom anytime soon, certainly not by November like the district had hoped. 

Today I had 4 classes, two meetings. I ran out to Jimmy Johns for a veggie sandwich and a Diet Coke. It was quite the treat and gave me such a nostalgic feeling of normalcy! I stayed late (until after 5pm) working on my kits to send home next week. I had made veggie enchiladas for Jim's lunch and he left a few leftovers which I had for dinner and they were so yummy (filled with greens, zucchini, tofu and onion with green sauce). We took a nice walk in the evening and the sky look smokey. I think the smoke from the West coast has actually reached us! I keep thinking if dad were around, he'd be talking about the "end times" the way everything is on fire and with the pandemic. Life is so crazy right now. 

Being a Vegan

Since returning from California, Jim and I have been practicing veganism. I think both of us want to live into old age in a much healthier state than our mothers who both died of cancer. Monika really encouraged us to go vegan and shared how giving up dairy had made her feel better. I have been surprised how easy it has been for Jim and I but I am utilizing a lot of alternatives to our regular foods. Oat, coconut and almond milks have been great replacements to my morning coffee creamer. Impossible meat is just as tasty as hamburger. I've made sofritas with tofu many times and Mexican food has been a favorite meal. Pasta and bread are easily vegan but still aren't good choices for me. Today for lunch we had grilled cheese sandwiches with a coconut base cheddar cheese alternative and a vegan oat butter spread that was delicious. I have been able to make homemade banana, carrot and zucchini breads using a flax seeds instead of egg. Erika asked me if I'd lost a bunch of weight with my new diet but the answer is no. I'm working out and eating as much as I want... I'm not gaining weight and eating as much as I want, whenever I want. I did not want to limit myself while I was getting used to my new habits. I have to think these new habits will pay off-- so far I have not had any acid reflux, I'm not nearly as tired, but I'm hungrier more often. It's only been a couple of weeks. This is something we are going to have commit for until we die.

Why no funeral?

I have had several friends ask about my mom's funeral. I think that most assume we are not having a funeral because of the pandemic, which quite honestly is the responsible thing to do.  But right now there is nothing more pressing in my mind then wanting to connect with those I love to grieve over my mom's passing. Jim's mother passed a couple of weeks ago and his family also chose not to do a funeral but Jim was able to go to Eternal Valley and see his mother's casket lowered (photo here of Lena's grave site). 

Last summer I worked with my mom on making sure her end of life experience was everything she wanted it to be. I did all the leg work and made arrangements. I had a girlfriend who had recently lost her mother to cancer who helped me with options and gave recommendations. My mom had had the stress of dealing with her mother's and husband's funeral. She hated the idea that someone else would need to "deal" with hers. She wanted her end of life to be something that no one had to labor over or deal with the expenses for. She told me I could hold a celebration at her home after her death but she insisted that I not get it catered or spend a lot of money for it. I promised her it would be a potluck! She liked that. Well, of course that whole potluck idea can't happen until after the pandemic and according to Dr. Fauci most likely won't be able to be planned for a couple of years. And even then, I'm not sure where we can do it now that her house is being sold. So it's all just up in the air for now.

We pre-arranged my mom's cremation last year. She loved the idea that her ashes would be used in a useful, artist way somehow. I told her about a friend of mine who takes ashes and rolls them into a clay body and makes ceramic artwork. She wanted her ashed to be turned into vases that would hold flowers. I plan to commission an artist to make 4 of them, one for me and each of my daughters. She asked me to make sure to use blue, green and some yellow glazes. We talked at length about how she wanted the vases to look like and how they would be used and kept and cherished. I don't think she liked the idea of being scattered to the wind or buried. I look forward to the day when I can put flowers into a vase that holds some of her essence, and look on it's natural beauty and remember her fondly. 

Proof

The SCV signal sent me this proof of my mom's obit. I am so sad to see it for real. I'm not thrilled with the photo chosen but Erika assured me it was one of my mom's favorite of herself and that's all that matters. I had written something a lot longer but that was cost prohibitive. Also, Jim informed me that most of what I wrote belonged on a resume not an obituary. I simplified it. I wanted to write more personal stuff but kept it short and simple. I started crying when I got the proof, wishing it said more-- like the longer it is the more love involved? Nope just more expensive. 

Here's the post in the Signal. Below is my original draft:

Ofelia (Cerda) Parris lost her long battle with cancer on September 7, 2020 and is finally at peace. She was born in El Paso, Texas to Emma and Jesus Cerda in 1947 and moved to Montebello, CA when she was in 6th grade. She married Jim Parris in 1965 and together they raised 2 children and celebrated over 52 years of marriage. As a young adult she worked as a cosmetologist, in Downey, CA. After moving to the Santa Clarita Valley in 1977, she worked for the Newhall School District as a teacher’s assistant, a special programs aide and Migrant Education liaison. In 1987 she was recruited by the county of Los Angeles to work at the Santa Clarita Service Center and continued to work for the county for over 25 years. In 1996 she became the Executive Director of the Alta Dena Service Center and in 2006 she was made the Antelope Valley Senior Center Director in Lancaster. During her tenure for LA County, she spent time working with the DA to get parents to pay child support, as a certified mediator and monitored domestic violence shelters as well. She retired at the end of 2012. In retirement she supported her husband’s work as a pastor, taught Sunday school, and gardened. Ofelia was preceded in death by her life partner and husband, Jim, and her parents, Emma and Jesus, and her older sister Gloria. She is survived by her children, Teresa Parris Ford (Madison, Wi)  and James Parris (La Crescenta, CA); her six grandchildren, Erika Ford (Madison, Wi), Jessika Ford (Norfolk, VA), Monika Ford (Vanderbuilt, MI), Emma Parris (La Crescenta, CA), Ian Parris  (La Crescenta, CA), Ella Parris (La Crescenta, CA) and her sister, Bertha Red (Whittier, CA). At her request, there will not be any funeral services.

Miss you much,

Dear Mom, I only had one zoom class today and one meeting but Jim had 5 different zoom meetings so I still went to work for most of the day. I tried to get a lot of prep done for next week so I wouldn't have to work over the weekend as much. My 1st hour class went well but I had to fill some time at the end with filler which I'm usually pretty good at. I just went from kid to kid asking questions. Every student on my roster was in attendance. I'm surprised at how eager the kids are to do virtual school. Since you can mute kids, there are not a lot of disruptions. I had a girl dancing around in her zoom window but it wasn't really an interruption since most of the time I shared my screen and the kids could not see her.. We'll see how tomorrow goes, I have 4 zoom classes spread out throughout the day.

The weather is chilly and it rained most of the day. I made a fire once I got home and worked on the computer all evening. Jim went for a walk and I should have gone with him but I was so comfy on the couch with fire going on watching Star Trek NG (I'm on season 6 still). It's only been 4 days since you left this earth and I often wonder what you went through in death and beyond. I thought a lot about this when dad left. You asked me about dad and if he was watching over you and I told you I didn't think so. I know there is a lot of comfort in feeling like those who leave us are still around somehow looking over us but it's not what I believe. I think about you often and cherish many memories we have but I know you're gone. This evening Monika called me and I was wearing reading glasses. I have gotten to the point where I need them more often especially in the evening. Anyway, she said, "you look like grandma" and I laughed. I never thought I looked like you. I forgot to tell you Erika cried the night you died, not knowing you were dying. She had one of those weird connections and after she found out, she said she knew it. We are all sad not to have you in our lives, even Jim :) BUT no one in this world misses you more or is more sad then your dog, Sharkie. 

 

First Day of School

Dear Mom, Today was my first day of school and my second day without you completely. I've been expecting this for over 4 years, so it's not awful, just oddly sad. Students were eager to connect and that helped make the day more eventful. I considered doing the morning meetings at home, but I had to get out. I love being in the brightly colored, brightly lit classroom. I love that I'm showered and fully dressed with Vans on and not lounging. I love that I'm so busy, I forget to eat lunch. I love that there people here "checking in" on me. Josh came by with a large latte and banana bread this morning a real hug (we practiced responsibly). A couple of principals came to see me and it was good to chat with them. Part of my needing to process it all is being able to talk about it. Patty came in to do her afternoon zooms and we were able to chat as well. I left at the end of day feeling like I'm so blessed that I have people at work that really care about me.

I came home to Jim in the middle of a zoom session. Erika came home from her first day of work. She really likes her job and I think her taking care of you helped her to find a new career. She will be assisting elderly in their homes with exercise and errands. She's started with a small new company that she said is beginning to grow and feels there is potential for her to grow with it. It was so good to see her excited about starting a new job and possibly a new career. I made a stir fry for dinner and watched some news and thought about you, wishing I could call you to say hello. I could call Monika (she called me this morning before my first meeting). I have lots of friends I could call too-- so many friends commented on my post about your passing, hardly anyone you knew but they knew you through me. But you are the only one I want to talk to right now.