It was good Monday, as far as Monday's go. Work is work and I got a few things done but have progress reports this week and a fused glass project in metals to teach, so it will get busier. I got in the pool today at lunch for the first time in a few weeks. It made the day better. I went to a traditional hot yoga class tonight. I've avoided hot yoga for a while, opting for power yoga most of the time in order to get a more aerobic and fun workout. Hot yoga is more intense mentally and there is no music to distract you from the long intense poses. I have found the traditional Bikram hot yoga poses are a little easier now, but the mental intensity is just as difficult. Hot yoga teaches me to work calmly through stress. The physical practice of putting myself in a very uncomfortable place and learning to breath through it transfers into real life... most of the time.
The frustrating part of this open forum, my blog, is that, well, it's wide open. In general, my posts are written for family and friends, but anyone can read it so I have to edit myself. Stuff happens at school all the time that I can't really talk about. My kids have stuff that they ask me not to blog about and until recently, Jim didn't even want to be mentioned. My motivation for writing is sometimes therapeutic. I often mull over ideas in my mind and wonder how I can communicate it in written form and then realize it's just too big or complicated to write about or just too private.
I struggle in life, maybe like everyone. I find it is a lot like in the yoga studio and I'm finally learning to breath calming. I'm understanding that practice makes it a little easier, but sometimes I can't take it. I've fallen over more than a few times. Luckily I catch myself--but that doesn't mean I'm not afraid of falling. As a large (for yoga practicing standards- I'm large) 45 year old woman, I have limits and I struggle between understanding the difference of what I am capable of and what I am just afraid of.
Tonight I did toe stand for the first time. I had been too afraid to try until tonight. I didn't do it perfectly but in time I imagine I will be able to do it respectfully with more grace then wobbly rendition I did this evening. As I look at my life, my career, my relationships, I struggle between understanding the difference what I am capable of and what I am afraid of. It is easy to go through the moves that are comfortable and not try the ones that are too hard. I want to be better.
I read an email tonight that made me upset. I wanted to lash out (I was ready to call the email subject "gasoline") but I am learning to breathe. I called a friend instead and cried. Crying feels really good when your upset-- I think it is as detoxifying as sweating in a hot yoga studio for an hour. I only cried for half an hour and I'm still tearing up writing this dumb blog post. I hadn't cried as intensely as I did tonight in a very long time, I guess it was needed.
I still don't have answers and my problems aren't solved. I'll make sure to go to yoga again tomorrow and in a couple of months, I think I'll need to cry again.
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