In mid June I started this watercolor self-portrait. I finished it late Saturday night. The finished artwork is so very different from what I expected but I am pleased with where it ended up. It started as a need to find hope. I needed to paint a portrait that showed an optimistic outlook at a time when life felt very bleak.
I wanted to focus on motherhood and as I researched symbols of divine motherhood, I found not only Christian Madonnas but also Indian Divine goddesses and symbolism within Hindu thought. What started as a holy halo I had considered adding gold leaf to, soon became a dark purple Sahasrara chakra speckled with sea salt. I decided to add symbols of the other chakras' including the third eye (the Anja), considered the eye of intuition and intellect, and the Vishuddha chakra, in the throat and which produces thyroid hormone and is responsible for growth, governs communication and independence, fluent thought, spiritually, a sense of security.
The heart chakra is hidden. A hexagon is cut through the paper instead and symbolizes the union of male and female. It is responsible for fending off disease and affected by stress. Issues involving the Anahata involve compassion, unconditional love, passion, devotion, equilibrium, rejection and well-being. Because I so wanted to convey not just a missing heart, but a hurt heart, I painted a bleeding heart flower, not just one for me, but also one for each of the girls. But as a companion to the bleeding heart I painted a lotus to symbolize wisdom and the virtue of purity. The pure beauty of it growing from the mud holds spiritual promise.
The other chakras are thrown in at the bottom; the Manipuraka as a yellow triangle, symbolizing the digestive systems, governing issues of power, fear, anxiety and emotions; the Swadhisthana as an orange crescent considered to correspond to the sex hormones, governing reproductions and creativity; and finally the Muladhara or the root chakra I have painted as a red triangle, relates to the adrenal center and is responsible for survival, stability, sensuality and security. These lower chakras are added to a mixture of color and confusion, swirls of liquid that represent my future. In the past above me are storms I have weathered, fire I was forged in, mountains I have climbed, sun shine I have enjoyed and silver linings. There is a circle on the lower right that is empty because of what is missing in my life.
In the end what started as a painting that was to focus on motherhood, went somewhere completely different BUT it did press on to be what may be the happiest self-portrait I have ever painted, ironically during a time I have never been so sad. I suppose I was able to focus, not on the present circumstances but the comfort of the past and the hope of the future. I decided to call it "From Wounds to Wisdom" from a Oprah quote I read.
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