I started thinking about this painting in June 2023 after losing my dog Balt. I started 2 versions that got tossed out, one in acrylic and one that was digital. I ended up going fully mixed media after a visit to the Milwaukee Art Museum on a field trip and seeing an exhibit of mixed media paintings. I was sold.
I knew I wanted the painting to be about loss. Not just about Balt but my uterus and then the loss of my family creeped in there. It pains me to admit that it took grieving for Balt to get me to finally feel grief for my mom. I still miss Balt so much. He was my first dog and I was very surprised by how much I learned from him about myself, about enjoying Wisconsin weather, about contentment and unconditional love. I kept him on pain killers for months waiting until school got out so I could take the time to grieve. While on my first road trip without him in 13 years, I found myself sobbing in the West Virginia mountains listening to John Denver, a favorite of my mother. A flood of grief for my mother, that I had not let myself express for 3 years snuck into my already sensitive emotions. I grew up not given many opportunities or instructions on grief. Growing up in a strict fundamental christian household, death was always supposed to be joyous for those who entered the kingdom of god and for those who did not, did not deserve our emotion unless it was pity. In the very end, I think my mom felt very alone. She wondered out loud if my dad would be waiting for her in death and I knew what she wanted to hear, but I'm not sure if anyone was there to assure her in her beliefs. I sometimes take comfort in knowing both of my parents were gone. I do not have to worry about them anymore. I do not believe they are watching out for me or up in the sky giving anything to me. I have many fond memories and photos and I miss them dearly.
At the end of June 2023, I had a hysterectomy and some reconstructive surgery for my bladder. The loss of my womb was not as emotional as the loss of my dog. I was happy to see it gone as it was falling outside of me, but I saw it as a right of passage. I was officially in “old lady” territory. With the loss of both of my parents, I had moved up in the generational standings of my extended family. I had become the elder, not only in my family but at work as well. Many of my closest teacher friends were already retired and I knew I was next. I am starting the process of saying goodbye at work. I have begun planning my retirement show and party. I am trying to focus only on the celebrations and the joy. Sometime next year, I will feel the deeper loss of what I am giving up... but that will come later.
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