Teri Parris Ford's Blog

Happy Thanksgiving

Monika came down from Michigan, so I got some help to make a wonderful meal. Erika had to work but had a break at 2pm, so we timed our meal to eat when she could join us. Jessi made her own meal for the first time and had a couple of Navy friends joins her, so she wasn't alone. We missed her but knew it was better to be safe (although having Erika here, is a bit of a risk since she is working with elderly folk but she has assured us that they all don't leave their homes). 

I've had a calm week, trying to enjoy the down time without work. I'm eating too much and not exercising enough, but the facial twitches have subsided for a while, so the break is needed. It'll be back to work soon enough!

Cancelled

Friday night Jim and I cancelled our Thanksgiving trip to visit Jessi for the week. We really wanted to go, but with the CDC advising that people stay home and avoid travel, we just couldn't go. What really got me was Monika asking if I got sick because of the trip, would it be worth it and the answer was no. BUT the reality is, we could still get sick even if we stay home. Jim and I are being fairly careful but we are still going out for walks, for food and for gas. Jim had a dentist appointment on Friday. I am going into work and although no one else is there, I know it is risk. CBS had a story on exhausted teachers this evening and I thought, at least I'm not alone. 

Being home for the weekend allowed me the time to help Erika move out. She'd been too busy to get all of her stuff out, so I spent most of my Saturday morning loading up stuff and I took a truck load to her new condo. I took two truck loads of stuff to be donated. I moved one of my twin beds that was in the smaller bedroom into Erika's old room, which is quite large. She is leaving her desk and dresser behind, so we are turning it into a work space, which will allow me to work from home along with Jim if needed.  It was a productive weekend. I also went shopping for the holiday and picked up my CSA veggies and made butternut muffins.

She's a homeowner now!

2 out of 3 ain't bad

Erika and I had a walk through today and then a closing for her new condo. She was looking for apartments to move into after moving back to Wisconsin. I told her once my mom's house sold, I would help her buy something since she spent a year taking care of my mom but she didn't want to wait (my mom's house is still on the market). Condos in Madison are very affordable (more so than houses) so she started looking for something with a low HOA (some had fees that were higher than her mortgage would be). She needed my co-signature since she did not have a 6 months of real employment (even though I know she was working hard), but it's all hers really. It's a very exciting time for her, having just turned 30. She'll start moving out in a couple of days, since she has a full work schedule this week. I have a feeling I'll probably see her almost as much as did before. I most excited about not having to deal with her cat anymore!

Where's the stress?

I started getting facial twitches this week. I usually get eye twitching issues when I'm stressed out. This week, my face was twitching, not my eyes, more in my cheeks and under my eyes. It's unnerving. I've cheated a few times with cheese, but still am keeping most diary out of my diet (no butter or cream for my coffee). Jim has begun eating lean chicken or turkey, so I've had a bit as well, but not much. I don't think my cheating on being vegan is the issue. Work is stressful-- it is a lot like having new classes since I have so much prep and staring at a screen for such long periods of time is not good-- I do wear computer filter glasses which help. I just got a stand up desk this week to help my ass out (sitting for long periods of time can be painful). Erika is closing on her condo tomorrow and is moving out this week, my mom's house is still for sale, we're planning to visit Jessi for Thanksgiving next week and the pandemic is freaking me out. I tried my best to relax this weekend, get in a yoga class and try not to do too much work. I made chili on Saturday and enchiladas today. It's parent teacher conferences this week, so I'm in for a LONG week with LONG days... I need to stay off the chocolate and diet coke, but it won't be easy.

The 3-0!

Jim got free a meal for Veteran's Day. We offered to take Erika out for her birthday but she was busy -- going out with Kelly. She purchased a pumpkin pie for her birthday-- not my favorite, but it wasn't my birthday.  That did not stop Jim and I from getting peices of pie though! I picked up a set of dishes for Erika as a birthday gift and house warming for her new condo that she closes next week on. I picked up Chilie's for Jim and I, since that was one of the places where he could get a free meal. He got the pasta and I purchased a hamberger (so naughty). The week has been kind of stressful, there is so much going one (as is normal for this time of year) but, with the stress of Wisconsin being a COVID hotspot and trying to decide whether we should travel for Thanksgiving makes it even more stressful.

The Shrine

Today is Jessi's 26th birthday. It kicks off birthday week (although Balt's birthday was last week). I called her this morning and got to catch up with her while she is in TX enjoying some needed time off. I made a crazy collague for instagram to help celebrate her day!

After Jim put up his parents prayer cards in our cabinette, I made a card for my mom, so we could add her with my dad's card. Now it's a bit of a shrine. I wanted to make sugar skulls for them but didn't have the time, I hope to in the future. I contacted an artist to create 4 vases using my mom's ashes. There's no hurry, but I am excited to have them done by the spring. 

Proud to be American

Here in Madison, there was celebratory air about. I was hanging my Xmas lites when I heard neighbors banging pots and pans, blowing wistles and dancing outside. I had a feeling something exciting had happened when I got a notification from the New York Times and then a text from Monika.  I decided to put my flag up for the first time. I purchased the flag pole to hang the pride flag in June, but I have never put up an American flag since I got it until today. It's been a while since I've felt good about being American. I smiled through the speaches of Harris and Biden this evening. 

It was a beautiful Saturday with perfect weather. 

Wonderful Weather!

It got into the 70's this week but I have so much work, I haven't really been able to get out much. Grades were due on Wednesday and I had so many kids turning in stuff all weekend and late throughout this whole week. I'm very comfortable in my classroom-- maybe too comfortable. The heat finally came on at school, so it's toasty warm. I often have to force myself to get and stretch and jump around. I'm wearing glasses to help block out blue screen light to help with eye strain and blurry vision. It helps tons. I'm enjoying most of my classes now but am feeling overwhelmed in waves of having to prep so much. 

This week with the election, it felt kind of stressful. Luckily Wisconsin pulled through to turn blue, still see the results makes me see how vividly I live in a liberal bubble that does not help me to see how others think outside our small world of striving for equity. But even in our liberal bubble, COVID19 is baring down hard with outrageous numbers keeping Jim and I trying to stay safe, wearing our masks even on our outdoor walks now. 

• Today is Balt's birthday! He's 70 in dog years old and dealing with an ear infection.
• Erika closes on her new condo in 10 days. She's starting to pack.
• I got a "planning to retire" email from the district that got me thinking and I decided that I will not retire this year for sure.
• I've gained 5 pounds eating Halloween candy and need to lose it so that I can gain it back for Thanksgiving at Jessi's
• I really miss my mom but posted my first post on FB that I knew she would be upset with since she passed (not my first ever-- as I've posted plenty of things that have upset her)

Time for the Holidays!

Jim and I went to Costco this morning right when it opened to try and beat the crowd. Jim picked up a new pair of glasses he ordered. I showed him a Baby Yoda on sale that I wanted to buy someone for a xmas gift but didn't know who and he encouraged me to get it for myself. I brought it home and set it up on our tv stand just in time to enjoy the 2nd season of the Mandalorian this month. I do miss having young people to buy toys and clothes for sometimes! Anyway, it was a fun outing. I spent the early morning catching up on grading since I had a slew of kids turn in late work before the quarter grades get posted. I told them all I would post them over the weekend but had so much grading to do, I didn't have time to finish and will have wait till tomorrow to post. I also worked on next week's presentations. Jim has been spending a lot of time working on historical election research as he will be commentating on a local tv station in Minnesota election night. The Rochester tv station asked him weigh in on the news when the president got sick with COVID and he was featured on the news. I guess they liked him a lot because they have asked him many times to be interviewed now but he has said no to everything since except election night. He's driving up Tuesday night. I wanted to go along so I could watch him live but I've got to work, so I'm hoping I'll get to catch it after on the website.

Hurray for the Dodgers!

The Dodgers won the world series and while I did not watch the games, I made sure to follow along with the series and even watched game summaries on Youtube. There are not a lot of Dodgers fans here in Wisconsin. I borrowed Jim's hat to wear to work today since I had zoom meetings all morning. The meetings were all about anti-racist curriculum work (using the abolitionist framework). It's not easy and makes for interesting conversations. 

I met with Joe, who came into the photo lab today. We talked photo 1 for quarter 2, caught up and then got interrupted with a fire drill. I went home for lunch, made a sandwich and warmed up some old soup and finished up my work day on the couch with my feet up. Working from home is a mixed bag-- comfortable but distracting. My classroom is cold, but the lights are bright and there is nothing to do but work. I get a lot done. Jim and I went to Costco to order him new glasses and pick up a few items (more dogfood, vitamins, etc). I finished the evening watching episodes of Schitt's Creek on Netflix working on a new camera slideshow for photo1.

Halloween Week!

Jim and I have been going nuts with Autumn themed decor and Halloween fun. I'm decorating all of my school slideshows with Halloween stuff and even creating a Day of the Dead project for my art experiences class with sculpey. I made pumpkin scones over the weekend and Jim cut up some pumpkins to make jack-o-lanterns, and made pumpkin seeds. It snowed on Sunday (very lightly), so we really got feeling like the holidays are just around the corner. I sent out Thanksgiving cards to close family with prayers cards that I made for my mom. Jim had a display with prayer cards of both of his parents and my dad, so I had to make one for my mom in order to complete the set. I'll have to post of a photo of them soon.

This week is the last one of the quarter, so I'm focused on grading. I have two practicum students from the UW joining me this week as well, so I'm hoping they will do more to help rather that take away time. I had a couple of dentists appointments to get a crown put in. It's been more painful than I'm used to. I made an appointment for a colonoscopy to kick off my winter vacation! What a year.

Wonderful Weekend

I am really enjoying my weekends again now that I'm back at work and actually going in every weekday. I just finished my 6th week. They announced we will be continuing with virtual learning until the end of January. I mean, we all knew there was no way students would be going to back to school with the COVID numbers in Wisconsin out of control but it was a relief to know for sure. I wondered around the school on Friday, dropping off kits for kids to pick at the front, and then checking to see who all is around. Admin stays locked in their offices so it is not always clear if they are around. There is one person (an SEA) checking in anyone who drives up to pick up supplies. There is another SEA at a different entrance for those who are having computer issues and two techs in a large center ready to fix anything that comes in. I chatted with everyone to find out how busy things were and of course it ways comes in waves with lunch time being a very busy time typically. Once a week there is a large truck that delivers a week's worth of lunches to any family who wants to swing by for that. I rarely see any other teachers in the building, only Patty who is in the art studio with me but stays in ceramics, while I stay in the computer lab. I always wear my mask if I venture out of my seat. The principal gave me several school masks with pockets for filters and Patty gave me several vacuum filters to use that she cut up to fit our school masks which was really nice, so I wear them to the grocery store as well, since I feel like it's safer than just my fabric ones. I rarely go anywhere other than store. 

 Jim has the condo quite decorated for autumn, which is quite festive. He's home most all the time working but goes on long walks, which I try to join him when I can but because I am at work, miss out typically during the week. This afternoon I made sure to join him. I spent my morning grocery shopping, picking up CSA veggies and then cooking up a large Thai Coconut lime stir fry for lunch. Jim had an army weekend, so was pretty busy while did cleaning and laundry and watched the new season 3 episode 1 of Star Trek Discovery for a second time. I made a fire and will try to stay away from doing too much school work this evening.

Wednesdays give me room...

/Our weekly schedule for school goes periods 1, 2 & 5 on Mondays and Thursdays, periods 3,4, 6 & 7 on Tuesdays and Fridays with all day Wednesday for PD and prep. Wednesdays make the week livable. I have prep time on Mondays and Thursdays as well, making those two days pretty nice but my Tuesday and Friday is non stop all day and I have a club on Tuesdays that keep me late. It's kind of crazy. Today after PD meetings in the morning, I spent a couple of hours working on art kits to hand out next week. I left work early to get lunch and eat with Jim. He's been asked to work on Election Night at a local news station in Rochester so he's been studying up on his election history. It makes for fun conversation. I made a fire and worked on school work for the rest of the evening, even though it wasn't very cold out, I still felt like having the cozy fire going.

Panorama

I have thought about writing several times this week but it has been busy. My mom used to call me if I missed a day just to see if I was okay! I'm okay. I started working the box of emails my mom left me and got through all of my old "Ford Criers", and now am left with just the personal emails I wrote to her for a couple of years. She never printed out her emails, just mine, so it is only my words. I think she printed them off for my dad but I am unclear why every email I ever sent her for several years are printed. It ended up being quite a gift. I have spent some time sorting through them wondering what to do with them. Most likely I will create a printed journal for the girls. The year I was in Germany was included, so there is a lot in there and it's mostly about the girls as babies. 

We are having an amazing autumn with glorious weather. My mom's house sold for great price and the same day Erika bought a condo for herself. So the transitions just keep happening. I am excited to remodel her bedroom into an office for virtual teaching. We have decided to hold off on buying a house in Minnesota since Jim doesn't need to be there and the market is so crazy fast. We just don't have the time to look, and decide in such a quick turn around (like Erika did). This week Jessi went to Maine for training, Monika will go to Virginia to cat sit for her and work virtually. Erika will take over the following week. I love that the girls are working together to take care of each other. (photos below: Jessi in Maine, Me with Josh and Patty at work, Monika with her chainsaw).

 

$1K Day

This morning I had a a 7am dentist appointment to get a temporary crown put in. The permanent one will get put in later this month. While I was at the dentist, Jim dropped Balt off at the vet for dental surgery with a few other procedures while he was sedated (x-rays and toenails trimmed). Between the two procedures, I put over a thousand bucks on my credit card. Years ago, I could write about these types of bills and count on a card from both Jim's and my mom with help to offset the expenses. With both of them gone, I know there isn't anyone out there anymore who will feel sorry for me and send a check but I still can't help but complain about it!

It was a pretty crazy morning. After getting my initial shot of "sleepy juice" my lips did not go numb and I kind of freaked out. The dentist came in eager to start drilling and I started shaking afraid of the pain. I was nervous coming, feeling a bit afraid of exposing myself to COVID, so it wasn't just about getting the crown. My dentist gave me a second dose and then a third as well as giving me nitrous oxide to help me calm down after beginning to have a panic attack and hyperventilate. It all worked out fine, but took a lot longer than expected and I was late for my 8:30 class. But the school district's hot spots were all down, so tons of kids were contacting me with technical difficulties and many did not realize I was having my own difficulties.

It was a long, busy day. We had a special staff meeting afterschool to discuss the technical difficulties as well as the high COVID numbers in Wisconsin (the state is bright red on the NYTimes map). I went home and made a vegan grilled cheese with left over vegan potato leek soup, put my feet up and enjoyed winding down.

 

Weekend Update

My weekends are back to being pivotal days of rest and relaxation but also, time needed to catch up. Also this weekend, after a month from my mom's passing and more than 2 months after she moved out, her house is up for sale. Of course I am eager to see all the photos since I can't be there to see the improvements in person. Just seeing the photo on Zillow I was able to see the patio furniture gone. 

I got my flu shot yesterday. I had to set my phone settings to allow my provider to see me coming. It was very interesting to get a pop up on my phone on my way there noting they could see I was almost there. And then once in the parking lot I got another notice to stay in my car and a nurse would get me when they were ready for me.

I made vegan enchilada for lunch (stuffed tortillas with cauliflower rice, peppers, onion and soy chorizo). Jim and I went for a long, 2 hour walk in the woods after a quick visit to Starbucks. I made a fire once home, put my feet up and enjoyed Star Trek and Amazon prime. Sunday morning I made pumpkin scones, worked on curriculum, watched the news and enjoyed a fire. I'm back to LOVING everything about my Sundays instead of feeling like Sunday is just like every other day.

 

Finding a New Normal

Week #4 is in the books and as I worked this week on progress reports, I find myself feeling like I was finding a new normal. Coming into work everyday adds a bit of a risk but the payback mentally is huge. I often go home to use the restroom instead of using them at school. I spray down my desk area every morning (just in case) and use hand sanitizer every time I walk in my classroom since I have to unlock the doors. The few others that work in the building offer some connection, but I know they serve as a risk as well. Patty typically stays on her half of the studio while I stay in my computer lab, but we yell back and forth often. Today while I was yelling at a kid who wasn't responding to me on zoom, Patty answered back! It was pretty funny. And yes, I often get kids who get onto zoom with my class but then don't interact at all and I'm not sure if they have fallen asleep or walked out of the room. 

Tuesday night was Back to School nite so I stayed at work all day into the evening (a 12 hour day). Wednesday Jim and I drove up to Rochester so Jim could pick a few things at the University and get his car looked at. We went out to lunch and relished in the scenic drive with autumn colors. This week the temperature took a nose dive so I have been enjoying a fire in the evenings and I needed to take a space heater into work for my feet.

I continue to chip away at posting old "Ford Crier" emails from 1996 and 97 into this blog. Eventually I will get them printed. I'm trying to work out every morning (Beachbody) but have not had time to get many walks in. Jim and I are staying vegan except when we go out to eat, then we will try to keep things vegetarian. 

Welcome to Week #4

Dear Mom-- Loosing you the day before school started makes things weird, oddly connected. Forever your death will be associated with this school year. All of my friends at work knew you were sick and that I was spending my summers in California to be with you, so when I see people at work (which id seldom) I typically will mention your passing. I can't help but talk about you when I see people for the first time after a long time. 

After my only class for the day, I spent the rest of the day prepping for the week since I had not prepped nearly enough over the weekend. It was like a regular work day, only without kids, and on my butt most of the time. Monika went camping over the weekend and called me on her way back to her place right when I got home. She sent over lots of amazing photos of the UP (upper peninsula). I think about how adventurous my girls are and how worried you'd be about them if you knew what they were all up to, while I know dad would have been impressed and asked about the roads they took going to all the places they go to. Monika recently had work done on her car, a Mitsubishi,  and all I could think about was how I wished I could talk to dad about it. The older I get, the more I realize how much more I had in common with dad's disposition and how little I was like you, esp as you aged. 

Autumn

Jim is really getting into the Fall Season. We've got pumpkins, hung lights, and planted mums. Jim purchased solar lite skulls to pop out of my garden. Saturday was a beautiful day so Jim and I worked on a project in our basement (replacing a window with cement and brick). Today was cooler and rainy. We went shopping for autumn mats and then came home and made a fire. I made pumpkin muffins, worked on curriculum and did yoga. I finished the evening with a fire, but not much school work. I'll pay for it tomorrow. I've decided for my own sanity, I need to make sure I enjoy my weekend.

New Project

I brought home a box of emails my mom printed, all from me. These are emails I sent out 25 years ago or so. I have hundreds of sheets to scan and organize. My goal is just to deal with 5 per evening. I am using an app on my phone to scan each sheet which will turn the text into a document I can copy and transfer into my blog, so it takes about an hour to get 5 sheets done. It is kind of fun to read these old emails. So far I've scanned 10 sheets-- most from a 1997 weekly family newsletter I sent out to family and friends, but one was my 1996 Christmas newsletter. I am copying them into this blog under "archived posts". 

As for my work day. Thursday is pretty nice day with one class and one meeting. I met with several students one on one on zoom and chatted with Patty who does school with me in the studio. I got home early, made a late lunch of leftovers. I started working on next week's lessons so I can have time this weekend to enjoy. 

55

I enjoyed a beautiful day. Jessi called me this morning to sing happy birthday and it just made my day because I had been thinking about how my mom would always call and sing to me on my birthday and thought about how this was my first year ever not to have my mom on my birthday. I told Jessi she would now take over the roll of calling and singing to me. I sat out on my patio chatting with her so happy I did not have to go into work today. I got tons of emails and a few requests from kids to meet today, which I did but until after lunchtime. Jim took me out for lunch at a place called Forage Kitchen so that we could stay vegan for the day. I got a Mediterranean bowl with humus, raisins and greens. I went to Whole Foods for a gluten free chocolate cake and flowers. I wore my favorite Bart Simpson t-shirt and took a selfie.

I got up at 3am with Monika who had to drive back to Michigan early. I got an early workout in on beachbody so I know I'll be eager to get to bed early tonight!

Birthday Gifts

I am looking at a week of perfect weather but even better, several meeting were cancelled on Wednesday. I feel like I having a week where I can breathe again. I got some advise from a trusted colleague to slow down. The goals of school have changed and I need to adapt better. I am looking at turning 55 tomorrow and I'm feeling this huge transition in my life has fully turned a corner. My parents are gone, my children are adults and I can retire whenever I want, knowing that the longer I work, the more comfortable I will  be in my retirement. I have heard stories on both sides-- people who retire too early are sorry, people who retire too late wish they had given themselves more time. I have decided to take each year as it comes. 5 years ago, I had planned to be retired by now in order to live with my parents. Boy, am I glad I didn't stick with that plan, as I'd be all alone right now. It's crazy to see how things these past few years have changed.

The girls and I enjoyed a wonderful dinner out this evening after my busy work day. It was the very first time I have gone out to eat since the shut down happened in March. I made sure to get reservations for outdoor patio seating on the edge, fearing sitting too close to too many folks. It was wonderful. The weather was perfect and it was my one cheat day on veganism for the month. I got a pretzel burger with onion rings and drank many refills of diet coke with my free birthday glass from the Nitty Gritty. I loved the long conversations had with Erika and Monika. Jim had a class and couldn't come but promised to take me out to lunch on my actual birthday!

 

It's Birthday Week!

I had a rough week last week. I got overwhelmed with the work load and got overly emotional. I'm feeling better this week. Monika is here to help make life feel more festive but she needs to go back to work on Wednesday. She's made chickpea chocolate chip cookies and tahini banana muffins thus far. I've gained 3 pounds since she got here... Being a vegan might help me feel healthier but it isn't a weight loss program. 

After a wonderful weekend, with great weather, I had a very nice Monday. My Mondays and Thursdays have only 1 class and the schedule is quite nice but I pay for it on Tuesdays and Fridays when I have 4 classes and full schedule. I have had to rethink the way I am presenting things. I need to decrease my prep time. I also need to figure out how to get kids to open up a bit more. I am reminded of my first summer teaching high school 20 years ago. I remember my students all clammed up, most just wanting to sleep, feeling so frustrated that they would not let their guards down with me as easily as my middle school students did. I know I'm not the only teacher out there feeling frustrated, but that doesn't make it any easier.

Jim and I had a wonderful walk this evening. It's officially Fall and the leaves are starting to show it. I got my cord of wood delivered this weekend. Every year I get a cord of wood for winter fires and bulbs of spring daffodils to plant in fall as part of my birthday gifts. I'm going to try to celebrate all week!

Bagel Feet

I brought home with me a foot chew toy my mom had. She loved all things feet. She always made sure I had good shoes and would encourage me to take good care of my feet. I remember one time how we laughed about my big ol' feet or "bagel" feet. As with many silly moments in our family, we would relive the moment and laugh again and again... for years. So now when I see Balt playing with his foot chew toy, I think of my mom. Obviously I miss her. When I was here in Madison, I was always thinking about making time to call her. I don't think a week ever went by when I didn't talk to her at least once. Well, it's been two weeks now. I've called my aunt and chatted with my cousin and that helps relieve the ache of missing her. Lots of friends have reached out, gotten me coffee, brought me flowers or treats. I am so blessed. 

Monika came home for the weekend. Like me, she is grieving. She was able to live with my mom for a year and had 4 years in LA to visit my mom and dad often and make stronger connections with my parents that she might have missed out on earlier in her life because we lived in Wisconsin.  Having both Monika and Erika to talk to about my mom has been really special because both of them lived with her and really got to know her as adults. I am so glad they had that opportunity. I have such fond memories of staying with my grandma for weekends. A girlfriend of mine was just showing me pictures of her grandkids and it made me think about that legacy. I hope to have time to spend my grandkids someday!

Today is Friday, one of my busiest days of my week. I left work at 4pm sharp and refused to answer anymore emails. I have lots to prep for this weekend but I might leave it all for Sunday. I am eager for a day off.

Two Screens

Dear Mom-- Oh boy, am I busy! I set up a second screen to help with my multi tasking. While I'm on zoom with one screen, I can have another open to check emails or see what kids are turning in. The prep involved for all my classes is crazy. It takes me hours to prepare a 15 minute presentation and several more hours to prepare an assignment that might take a student 1/2 hour to do. The only upside is that if I continue to teach these classes in the future, I will have a lot I can use. I spent time with students today drawing. 6 kids said they did not have the supplies although last Friday, no one said they needed supplies. I put 8 more kits together for them to pick up and I'll hope they will be prepared on Friday when I see them next. I had one student finish my drawing assignment early but did it all in pencil when I wanted it done with a sharpie marker (I did not put a pencil in my kit, only a sharpie marker and paper!). If that kid had been in my class, I could have caught her doing the work in pencil before she got too far. It all feels kind a crazy and somewhat frustrating. It takes twice as much time to be a teacher on line! The COVID numbers here in Madison are crazy too. I don't see kids coming back to the classroom anytime soon, certainly not by November like the district had hoped. 

Today I had 4 classes, two meetings. I ran out to Jimmy Johns for a veggie sandwich and a Diet Coke. It was quite the treat and gave me such a nostalgic feeling of normalcy! I stayed late (until after 5pm) working on my kits to send home next week. I had made veggie enchiladas for Jim's lunch and he left a few leftovers which I had for dinner and they were so yummy (filled with greens, zucchini, tofu and onion with green sauce). We took a nice walk in the evening and the sky look smokey. I think the smoke from the West coast has actually reached us! I keep thinking if dad were around, he'd be talking about the "end times" the way everything is on fire and with the pandemic. Life is so crazy right now. 

Why no funeral?

I have had several friends ask about my mom's funeral. I think that most assume we are not having a funeral because of the pandemic, which quite honestly is the responsible thing to do.  But right now there is nothing more pressing in my mind then wanting to connect with those I love to grieve over my mom's passing. Jim's mother passed a couple of weeks ago and his family also chose not to do a funeral but Jim was able to go to Eternal Valley and see his mother's casket lowered (photo here of Lena's grave site). 

Last summer I worked with my mom on making sure her end of life experience was everything she wanted it to be. I did all the leg work and made arrangements. I had a girlfriend who had recently lost her mother to cancer who helped me with options and gave recommendations. My mom had had the stress of dealing with her mother's and husband's funeral. She hated the idea that someone else would need to "deal" with hers. She wanted her end of life to be something that no one had to labor over or deal with the expenses for. She told me I could hold a celebration at her home after her death but she insisted that I not get it catered or spend a lot of money for it. I promised her it would be a potluck! She liked that. Well, of course that whole potluck idea can't happen until after the pandemic and according to Dr. Fauci most likely won't be able to be planned for a couple of years. And even then, I'm not sure where we can do it now that her house is being sold. So it's all just up in the air for now.

We pre-arranged my mom's cremation last year. She loved the idea that her ashes would be used in a useful, artist way somehow. I told her about a friend of mine who takes ashes and rolls them into a clay body and makes ceramic artwork. She wanted her ashed to be turned into vases that would hold flowers. I plan to commission an artist to make 4 of them, one for me and each of my daughters. She asked me to make sure to use blue, green and some yellow glazes. We talked at length about how she wanted the vases to look like and how they would be used and kept and cherished. I don't think she liked the idea of being scattered to the wind or buried. I look forward to the day when I can put flowers into a vase that holds some of her essence, and look on it's natural beauty and remember her fondly. 

Proof

The SCV signal sent me this proof of my mom's obit. I am so sad to see it for real. I'm not thrilled with the photo chosen but Erika assured me it was one of my mom's favorite of herself and that's all that matters. I had written something a lot longer but that was cost prohibitive. Also, Jim informed me that most of what I wrote belonged on a resume not an obituary. I simplified it. I wanted to write more personal stuff but kept it short and simple. I started crying when I got the proof, wishing it said more-- like the longer it is the more love involved? Nope just more expensive. 

Here's the post in the Signal. Below is my original draft:

Ofelia (Cerda) Parris lost her long battle with cancer on September 7, 2020 and is finally at peace. She was born in El Paso, Texas to Emma and Jesus Cerda in 1947 and moved to Montebello, CA when she was in 6th grade. She married Jim Parris in 1965 and together they raised 2 children and celebrated over 52 years of marriage. As a young adult she worked as a cosmetologist, in Downey, CA. After moving to the Santa Clarita Valley in 1977, she worked for the Newhall School District as a teacher’s assistant, a special programs aide and Migrant Education liaison. In 1987 she was recruited by the county of Los Angeles to work at the Santa Clarita Service Center and continued to work for the county for over 25 years. In 1996 she became the Executive Director of the Alta Dena Service Center and in 2006 she was made the Antelope Valley Senior Center Director in Lancaster. During her tenure for LA County, she spent time working with the DA to get parents to pay child support, as a certified mediator and monitored domestic violence shelters as well. She retired at the end of 2012. In retirement she supported her husband’s work as a pastor, taught Sunday school, and gardened. Ofelia was preceded in death by her life partner and husband, Jim, and her parents, Emma and Jesus, and her older sister Gloria. She is survived by her children, Teresa Parris Ford (Madison, Wi)  and James Parris (La Crescenta, CA); her six grandchildren, Erika Ford (Madison, Wi), Jessika Ford (Norfolk, VA), Monika Ford (Vanderbuilt, MI), Emma Parris (La Crescenta, CA), Ian Parris  (La Crescenta, CA), Ella Parris (La Crescenta, CA) and her sister, Bertha Red (Whittier, CA). At her request, there will not be any funeral services.

Miss you much,

Dear Mom, I only had one zoom class today and one meeting but Jim had 5 different zoom meetings so I still went to work for most of the day. I tried to get a lot of prep done for next week so I wouldn't have to work over the weekend as much. My 1st hour class went well but I had to fill some time at the end with filler which I'm usually pretty good at. I just went from kid to kid asking questions. Every student on my roster was in attendance. I'm surprised at how eager the kids are to do virtual school. Since you can mute kids, there are not a lot of disruptions. I had a girl dancing around in her zoom window but it wasn't really an interruption since most of the time I shared my screen and the kids could not see her.. We'll see how tomorrow goes, I have 4 zoom classes spread out throughout the day.

The weather is chilly and it rained most of the day. I made a fire once I got home and worked on the computer all evening. Jim went for a walk and I should have gone with him but I was so comfy on the couch with fire going on watching Star Trek NG (I'm on season 6 still). It's only been 4 days since you left this earth and I often wonder what you went through in death and beyond. I thought a lot about this when dad left. You asked me about dad and if he was watching over you and I told you I didn't think so. I know there is a lot of comfort in feeling like those who leave us are still around somehow looking over us but it's not what I believe. I think about you often and cherish many memories we have but I know you're gone. This evening Monika called me and I was wearing reading glasses. I have gotten to the point where I need them more often especially in the evening. Anyway, she said, "you look like grandma" and I laughed. I never thought I looked like you. I forgot to tell you Erika cried the night you died, not knowing you were dying. She had one of those weird connections and after she found out, she said she knew it. We are all sad not to have you in our lives, even Jim :) BUT no one in this world misses you more or is more sad then your dog, Sharkie. 

 

First Day of School

Dear Mom, Today was my first day of school and my second day without you completely. I've been expecting this for over 4 years, so it's not awful, just oddly sad. Students were eager to connect and that helped make the day more eventful. I considered doing the morning meetings at home, but I had to get out. I love being in the brightly colored, brightly lit classroom. I love that I'm showered and fully dressed with Vans on and not lounging. I love that I'm so busy, I forget to eat lunch. I love that there people here "checking in" on me. Josh came by with a large latte and banana bread this morning a real hug (we practiced responsibly). A couple of principals came to see me and it was good to chat with them. Part of my needing to process it all is being able to talk about it. Patty came in to do her afternoon zooms and we were able to chat as well. I left at the end of day feeling like I'm so blessed that I have people at work that really care about me.

I came home to Jim in the middle of a zoom session. Erika came home from her first day of work. She really likes her job and I think her taking care of you helped her to find a new career. She will be assisting elderly in their homes with exercise and errands. She's started with a small new company that she said is beginning to grow and feels there is potential for her to grow with it. It was so good to see her excited about starting a new job and possibly a new career. I made a stir fry for dinner and watched some news and thought about you, wishing I could call you to say hello. I could call Monika (she called me this morning before my first meeting). I have lots of friends I could call too-- so many friends commented on my post about your passing, hardly anyone you knew but they knew you through me. But you are the only one I want to talk to right now.

So, she's gone now.

It seems somehow appropriate that my mom would die on Labor Day. I did not get the text that came around 2am, midnight California time because I was asleep. Once I read it a couple of hours later I could not go back to sleep. I had talked to her on the phone yesterday for a while, not knowing if she heard me. I wanted her to know she didn't have to worry about me or my girls. I told her she'd been a great mom. While I'm glad she's at peace and her battle is over, I'm left wondering how to do life without my mom. I'm in new territory.

She was an example to me of a woman who worked hard and gave everything she could to make sure things were left better because of her. Once after I had gotten a ticket for not wearing my seat belt, I got to volunteer at the service center she worked at in lieu of paying of the fine. It was really cool to see her in charge of so much. She was a remarkable woman in so many ways. In preparing to write her obituary, I saw how extraordinary she was by working with the DA in LA to get parents to pay child support, she was a certified mediator and was trained to monitor domestic violence shelters. She was the director of two different senior centers in LA County  and often told me stories of dealing with a lot of difficult people. For a woman who never graduated from high school (she took her equivalency test my senior year of high school) or college, she certainly did a lot. 

I've been processing a lot. Having a husband who just lost his mom less than a month ago is comforting. We are working through much of the same things. I need to write things down so I don't forget, but it's also part of the processing for me. At this point, anything I write here in this blog is for her still even though she's not reading it anymore. I started this blog for her, but I don't know how to end it. Maybe I don't want to end it, because it was for her and I want it still to be for her.