Teri Parris Ford's Blog

So the end is near...

September 23rd is my 50th birthday, so I'm on a count down of my forties (about 60 hours left). If you google September 23, 2015 you'll find out a lot of very interesting coincidences that are about to happen on my birthday. Luckily, I have nothing to do the impending doom being predicted out there. I'm hoping the asteroids don't hit until after my 5pm reception. I've always celebrated my birthday on the Fall Equinox but this year it also happens to be Yom Kippur and the 70th Jubilee of the Israel. The pope just so happens to be visiting Obama on the 23rd too. Anyone who is into the book of Revelations and all the end times prophecies stated there, well, there seems to be a ton of coincidental occurrences that are happening this week that seem to point to the end of times all beginning the day of or after my birthday. What I'm finding out in my research is that Satan will be released on my 50th birthday and I'm really hoping that's not a literal situation, 'cause it's really going to be a bummer. 

So for my 3rd to last day of being 49, I enjoyed a wonderful morning with Jessi hanging around Beth's. It was a beautiful day. Beth hosted a big luncheon with a lot of her family attending. At 4pm she took me to the airport and Jessi back to the Naval Academy. It been a wonderful 2nd Class Parent's Weekend! I'm hoping to get back for another visit in the winter, that is if we are still around. 

 

Sunday Services

Today was one of those few Sundays with some where exciting to go to. Every other year, Madison Museum of Contemporary Art hosts a Young at Art show where every art teacher is asked to submit 3 student works of art. In conjunction with the show, the teachers are also asked to share their own work at the Overture Center downstairs from the museum. I made sure to get downtown early. It was a beautiful day. I visited my self portrait first. It isn't quite as showy as my artwork 2 years ago, but I'd like to think it's fairly unique. I made it upstairs as the reception was opening and it was a packed house. All three of my students were there with family to see their artwork and I bumped into other Memorial students as well, but no other JMM teachers. The funnest part for me is seeing other art teachers from other schools and the art work they chose to share. 

This morning after my 3 mile dogwalk in the sunshine, I got dressed up and made it to church. It's the first time I have visited a service in years. I won't go into the reasons I have stayed away as they are many and personal, but I have wanted to return, venturing out of my comfort zone. As a little girl I grew up going to a Baptist church, then to an Evangelical Christian church, while attending a Brethren Christian school.  In High School I attended a conservative non-denominational mega-church, Grace Community, where for the first time I saw the evils of men with power, even those who say they are doing God's work. I returned to a Baptist church in college and then once I had children, attended a Reformed Church, and then once my kids got older we returned to a mega-church, where once again I witnessed some of the darker sides of attending a large church. I knew if I ever was to return to a church, it would not be a very big one. Big churches are like big restaurant chains-- there is a lot offered and a lot of convenience but there is little that is healthy and less that does any good in the community. I wanted to find a place that was making a difference, one that did not offer free coffee as a part of it's appeal, and obviously was live as well as alive-- ei; no video service. The church I visited was Fountain of Life.  It took me a while to get the courage to go by myself and I found that there a lot of women who go to church by themselves, I sat next to two of them. In all of my church upbringing, the church service I experienced today was new for me. The congregation is a reflection of the city's population which is refreshing. The singing was amazing and the sermon was good, really good-- intelligent, funny and insightful while being melodic at times. I heard teaching about miracles, I had not heard before. I was so encouraged but I slithered away without standing up as a new visitor or staying after to meet the pastor. I liked the experience but I was not ready to commit myself even as a first time visitor! I'm not sure what that says about me.

I finished my day with a nice dinner of chili, working on the student newspaper that I would like to send to print tomorrow. This coming week should not be as stressful as last week. It's to look at my calendar and not see it overwhelmed with ink.

Where is my Easter?

Easter is clearly a Christian holiday, but so Americanized it has its own isle at the store for candy and gifts. Our elaborate Easter celebrations have gone to the wayside these past two years as I have spent my Easters literally in transit. Both last year and this year, I have spent the day actually driving across America. IE: the Easter Bunny was not home. I hid candy in a basket for Erika last year, as well as this year, as she has spent these Easters home alone-- no holiday dinner made. I sent a box to Jessi and brought candy for Monika to put in a basket at my mom's house (shown here).

Monika did not even have Good Friday off. She had to ask permission to miss her calculus class. Luckily she is doing well and had never missed class before so her professor gave her his blessing to be with family for the holiday weekend. I'm not even sure if Erika will have the day off, since there are yoga class taught on Easter Sunday. I know Jessi will have the weekend off and be encouraged to attend a service among her peers. 

So what happens to Easter when no one is home to stuff baskets with chocolate eggs and hallow bunnies, when no one is in need of a pretty Sunday dress or new church sandals anymore? How does one resurrect resurrection Sunday? I have been thinking about this idea of resurrection and what it means. In the Spring I resurrect myself, in many ways from a Winter slumber of laziness. While Christians all over America are going to church to celebrate Christ risen; I am driving across the interstate highway, wondering what happened to my family holiday and if my Easter will ever rise from this death. Perhaps it has passed into a new realm or is just something that is lost forever-- like childhood's sweet memories that are no longer a part of reality's present but touched looking at old photos and the telling of stories. 

Life is good. There is a sweetness as a mother, knowing my children are all doing well-- young women who are able to take care of themselves. I am the mother of adults now and my roll has changed.  I will have to wait for grandchildren, if they ever come, for the next transition in my life. Is that when we will fill Easter baskets again and I will have my happy holiday back? Or maybe I can resurrect the holiday to have new meaning?

What if love was lost and then found again-- could we not celebrate that miracle? If that past love is lost forever then I think this holiday may be lost as well. Eventually it will be made new again, like life after winter. The flowers may look the same but I know they are new bulbs that were planted. There is hope and maybe that is all Easter will be for a while, a hidden hope. The resurrection of that lost love would be miraculous, though. Okay, not like the risen Savior, but for me, for now, more meaningful. 

Providence or just Unlucky?

Balt and I had a happy morning. I finished up the parent newsletter and went for a long walk. The morning started cool but warmed up quick. I enjoyed a noon time swim at the pool, long overdue. I made an appointment to get the oil changed again at the Nissan service center since I'd driven over 5,000 miles since my last oil change at Valvoline. I'd driven over 10,000 miles since visiting the service center. The car had been to the East coast over spring break and the West coast last month. I asked them to give the car a look over, explaining I was leaving for DC in the morning. 

When the gal came in to talk to me, I figured there was something more in need than just an oil change but what I was told was a little overwelming. I was not allowed to take my car away without signing a release. They informed me the car was dangerous to drive and it was miraculous I drove it in at all. The bearings were so worn out and loose that they seemed to think any bump would cause the tires to come off. My choices were to sign the release or leave the car to get fixed. It would not be ready until Friday if I left it. If I took the car, I could not risk driving it to see Jessi, so it made no sense to take it. I left it there and took a taxi home. Nissan graciously paid for my taxi. They offered to get me a car rental but then realized all they had was a Leaf which would only travel 75 miles until it would need a charge-- problematic for a road trip at this point in history. They called Enterprise and were told that nothing was available. I called the Enterprise a block away from my house and was told I could get something tomorrow. I took it. I have no idea what I'll end up but for $200 I have unlimited miles and a car that won't kill me.

When my husband called to find out when I was leaving, I told him about the snafu. He seemed to think we were having bad luck. As I walked Balt this evening, I could not help but think of the providence involved in my situation. I will have to pay about $500 to get my Versa fixed and another $200 to rent a car, so I could see why it looks like such a bummer. I'm not sure why I made the last minute appointment to get the car checked. It was running fine, there were no noises, no bumps just a lot of miles. My gut told me to make sure it was safe to drive... or was there divine intervention?

I am no longer a Calvinist-- I am a strong advocate of human free will. According to Calvin, the idea that one might be able to make choices independently of what God determines is based on our limited understanding of God's perfection, or His predestination. As I walked Balt I pondered the idea of Providence. Theologians have debated this for centuries, I have no answers, but I am left feeling cared for by something quite beyond my understanding. While I have to pay a few extra hundred dollars to visit my daughter this weekend, I now know there had been a chance I might not have made it to see her. That would have been really bad luck.

Sunday Fire

The weather warmed up today above freezing and Jessi said it felt like the 60's but it was only in the 40's. I enjoyed the morning sorting socks by the fire with Balt. I waited until it was above freezing and then took Balt to the dog park. We had a wonderful late morning. He gets a lot of complements still. People say his coat is pretty, comment on how beautiful he is or how well behaved he is. It's nice. He got a lot of complements this weekend.

I did a big Costco shopping run and a late grocery run where I purchased all the items I need to make tamales. My goal is to have them made by Saturday. I got to my favorite yoga class and had a great time. I suppose yoga has in many ways replaced church for me. After reading a NY times peice on Americans and God, I read there is a rise in Americans leaving the ranks of the religious (especially with the youth) and some believe it is because of politics. Interesting. I ceased to struggle with organized religion in my life-- opting out completely for now. As for God? Occassionally He points His finger in my face and says, "See, I told you." While other times He's very quiet. I try to listen regardless. 

I survived!

The big recycle event was a semi-success. Everything on my end was good. The weather wasn't terrible. We had some rain but no down pouring or thunder. Folks came with their electronics but the media never picked up on the story so our event was not as well attended as two years ago. I promoted it within the school community and brought in about 200 cars and $400 in donations. The folks that collect the stuff had 10 semi-trailers ready to be filled. We filled two. -Those folks had hired someone to do community publicity & I don't think it got done. Oh well, I know that I did my job. Both Jessi and Monika are in student government and both were required to attend and work (by me). Jim was on call but not needed (he was very glad). 

After it was over I had just enough energy to go to a hot yoga class, but it was slightly overwhelming! The room seemed hotter than normal, humid as ever and I did not feel like I had a full tank-- maybe giving blood had something to do with it? Anyway after leaving what felt like the heat of hell, I was ready for the earthquakes. I got home just in time. 

So what's this guy, Camping, feeling now that everyone is rolling their eyes knowing he was off his rocker to begin with? Is his faith shaken at all?  Wouldn't it be normal to feel angry, betrayed and completely dissappointed in God? Will this guy just think his math was wrong again, or does he start having serious doubts? As I struggle with my own doubts and dissappointments in God, I can't help but want to know what this guy is doing tonight.

Ash Wednesday

"Remember you are dust and unto dust you will return."
For me Lent is not about penance. I fast as an opportunity to change habits, bad habits. The time of Lent calls me to do the things I am supposed to do. It is about changing the things that are blocking the wholeness of life and becoming or doing the things that make life full.

"Yet even now," declares the Lord, "Return to Me with all your heart, And with fasting, weeping and mourning; And rend your heart and not your garments." Now return to the Lord your God, for He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger, abounding in lovingkindness and relenting of evil.  --Joel 2:12-13

 

In preparation for a 40 Day Fast

I have decided to take the time of Lent to fast and pray. My prayer in particular will be for healing to occur in the state of Wisconsin and that God might soften our governor’s heart. The more I read of him and his budget fixes, the more I see a man with a dulled ability to understand the plight of the working class and the poor. I think that the governor thinks his work in the capitol is God’s work but God’s work is giving to the poor, offering food to the hungry, and supporting widows. I have not seen any support of God’s work in the governor’s repair bill, only the opposite.

While this political action has been difficult for many, I have found myself holding back primarily because I am not very political. I have tried to educate myself with the issues at hand so that I could engage in protests with an understanding of what is really going on. When someone suggested on a facebook group that we pray and fast, I felt it was a challenge I could do with all my heart.

Lent begins this Wednesday and is a time for sacrifice. After Ash Wednesday the Church remembers Jesus Christ's time in the desert when he spent 40 days of fasting.  Fasting is an integral part of many major religions including Judaism, Christianity and Islam. For Catholics (maybe Protestants too?), fasting means eating only one full meal in a day, with no food in-between meals and sometimes two other meals that should not total one full meal. Alot of Christians add some other sacrifice to their time of Lent fasting, like giving up chocolate or soda.  For the rest of the religious world, fasting means abstaining from food and/or drink. I have spent many years giving up bread during this time. This year I will give up all "solid" food (coffee, milk, juice and soup are acceptable) Monday through Saturday and spend extra time in prayer for the state. I understand that my fasting will in no way earn God’s attention or weigh in on the governor’s decision but it is my hope that it will serve as a sincere request for clarity in my own life. 

When I was in third grade I gave my life to God and became a Christian (Protestant). I attended a Brethren Elementary school until 7th grade while attending an Evangelical Church. Our family moved and my life changed drastically, I went to public schools and we began attending a "mega" non-denominational church—probably one that is quite similar to the one our governor was raised in. Instead of attending college right after high school, I went to a Bible institute associated with our church. Given my history, you would think I would be a little more religious than I am.  My spiritual journey has taken many turns and I believe it is a testimony of God's grace – still it has been difficult to “keep the faith”. I recall in 8th grade making an appointment with my youth pastor to ask a spiritual question that had been bothering me for a while, "Why does God need our devotion?" It seemed paradoxical that the church taught that God demanded our worship when He clearly did not need it. I didn't get any answers I understood that afternoon from a man who I had thought would be smart enough to give them to me. I learned early on that pastors aren’t as astute as they look. I've grown steadily in my skepticism in little bits since. I have seen the fallibility of men ruin the church experience for me over and over again to the point that I have given up on it for now, but I have not completely given up on God.

If healing is to take place in Wisconsin in the near future, it will be a miracle. As I read the news and watch the rallies, I hear rumblings of a general strike and I am struck with fear. My parents prepared for my dad being on strike (everyother year, I believe) and even with preparation, it took a toll on our family. I am not prepared. While I am praying for the state, I may find a little healing for myself.  I suppose some will offer praise to God if a compromise is found in this ongoing political drama but most will offer accolades to the protesters who have done the hard work. I am going to try to work on both angles.

"Fasting will bring spiritual rebirth to those of you who cleanse and purify your bodies. The light of the world will illuminate within you when you fast and purify yourself. What the eyes are for the outer world, fasts are for the inner."--Mahatma Gandhi

"The best of all medicines are rest and fasting."--Benjamin Franklin

"The biggest problem facing the world today is not people dying in the streets of Calcutta, and not inflation, but spiritual deprivation. . .this feeling of emptiness associated with feeling separate from God, and from all our sisters and brothers on planet Earth." --Mother Teresa 

Indeed.

My Easter did not go quite as planned. I woke up sick early this morning. I caught the cold Monika had earlier this week. All congestion, endless snot with a bit of aches and pains. I kept having to get up to blow in order to breath. I finally gave up, just made coffee and started working on a nice quiche for breakfast. 

The girls got up hours later and loved their baskets. When the question of church came up there were no arguments, but no movement either. Jim and I left without the girls as they were no where near being ready and neither of us wanted to be that late. The service is only an hour, so what was the sense in being half an hour late? I was miserable anyway. I saw other families walking in late and was happy not to be one of them. When you only make it in 2 or 3 times a year, 20 minutes late is a big deal.

It was the first time I had been to church since Christmas. Some would say that's bad. Monika said she wished we could go to a church we belonged to. Well, in order to belong you kind of have to attend. But I understood what she meant. We had attended Blackhawk for years and never felt like we belonged. It hit home about a year ago when I got a call from a secretary who had mailed something back to us after Jessi had applied to a mission trip. The church had our old address and the letter was returned. We had moved more than 7 years ago, but the church we attended that whole time never bothered to make note of our new address. It was hard to feel like we mattered to them. I got no support when Jim was in Afghanistan, I got no support when I was struggling with Erika. It was easy to be disappointed yet once again.

Oh, I will spare you the bunch of stories I have of how churches in my past have disappointed me. It's not just Blackhawk, but every church I have attended. Jim says I have bad luck with churches. The problem with the Christian church is that most of them are run by men, very imperfect men at that. I'm not saying that I want to find a church run by women, but I've just been too disappointed by the ones run by men. As I listened to today's sermon, I did not disagree with message. It was pretty entertaining as well, I enjoyed the music but I was not connected, but I was also very congested and my eye kept twitching from all the coffee I had been drinking since the wee hours of the morning.

Like almost any Christian church this morning, I heard the traditional call and response, "Christ is Risen! He is risen, indeed." I believe it is Easter Sunday that all of Christianity is hinged on, not Christmas. There are plenty who believe in Christ's birth but not his resurrection and I don't think you can be a Christian without believing that Christ rose from the dead. It is what makes one a Christian. The funny thing about any religion, or no religion, especially atheism, is that it all starts with faith because no one really knows. I like talking to Jim about it all because he knows so much more about the history of the church and its theology. We both question Christianity, but we both have faith. It's nice to have someone who you can question your faith with, not feel judged and still be loved. That's all there is in the end really. Faith, love and hope. Indeed.

Where is God?

Today while driving on the belt-line, the light of the sun reflecting on the snow and water on the highway blinded me and I teared up.  I found myself crying.  The whiteness was blinding- it was painful, but pure.  God revealed Himself to me in that moment (I know it sounds a little crazy, maybe my cold medicine was working a little overtime).  He reveals Himself to me daily in His nature, in the softness of my cat, in the beauty of my children, in the wonder of the sky.  Yet there are times I am saddened by the greatness of the weight of the world and it's hard to remember God's presence.  There are times I barely have the strength of heart to thank Him for my well-being.  Luckily there are other days I see how so much works together for good and I can rejoice in His presence...

I am beat down, by Erika's silence, by Jessika's loudness, by Monika's need, by Jim's stress, by work's demands, by people's insensitivity, by my own ineptness.  I know it is easy to look at my life and question where is God, but I know He is present.  That gives me great comfort.

What a crowd of witnesses!

Today around 11am there was a hush around the whole school as students gathered around televisions in nearly every classroom to watch a historic moment in our time.  Most students watched with interest; they have pride and knowledge of the specialness of the day.  I sat in the photolab with Joe listening, nodding with hope that the words spoken would becomes truths.  I know for Joe, there was so much more excitement in the day.  He had rallied for Obama since before he announced he was running for president-- this day was victorious for him.  I know I dissappointed Joe in my not supporting him earlier, but I am on board now.  As I listened to the news this evening at the gym, I heard a common theme of energy and excitement for the coming times.  As I saw the crowds of people and heard Rick Warren's prayer, "And we know today that Dr. King and a great cloud of witnesses are shouting in heaven,"  I was reminded of how much I love the verse he spoke of.

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us (Hebrews 12:1)

Christmas Eve

Our Christmas Eve was filled with more snow and for me, a slowing pace at last.  After going out in the elements to get a workout and groceries, I returned to finish up a few home-made presents to deliver.  Monika and I made our deliveries and then we came home in time to go to church.  All I asked for Christmas was for our family to go to church together and although we were missing Erika, we made it.  Every year I cry when we sing O Come, Emmanuel, I am so struck by it's beauty and depth.  This holiday has been a difficult one for me on several levels... the song is like a salve...

Oh, come, our Dayspring from on high, And cheer us by your drawing nigh, Disperse the gloomy clouds of night, And death's dark shadows put to flight. Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel Shall come to you, O Israel!

Oh, come, Desire of nations, bind In one the hearts of all mankind; Oh, bid our sad divisions cease, And be yourself our King of Peace. Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel Shall come to you, O Israel!

Pale Shelter

I finally made it in to church tonight.  There was a middle school thing that Monika wanted to go to (Jessi did not), so the two of us went.  Soccer games were cancelled this weekend because of the poor shape of the feilds and quite honesly, sports is the main reason we miss church and have fallen from the habit of regular attendance.  Of course there are other reasons too; it had become a ritual that seemed to weigh heavy on our family rather than bless it. 

I spend everyday of the week wondering where I am spiritually, asking God how I have ended up here; struggling as a mother to communicate with a daughter who regards me with disdain.  I keep wondering how my failure has brought me to a place that has caused my whole family to falter...

Soccer Sunday, Nothing Monday

I had breakfast with a fellow soccer mom and friend Sunday morning while Monika was at ODP.  I found it interesting that we both had very similar Sunday struggles.  Because our daughters are so into sports, we have found it difficult to attend church.  Jim tells me it is just about priorities-- we just need to do it, but Sunday after Sunday we can't seem to make it happen.  There is no time.

Today I had nothing going on after school and came home to all 3 girls watching Heros on Netflix; Jim had just left for security work.  It occured to me that in the Fall, Monday was my crazy day and I had time for church.  Perhaps things will return to "normal" and this battle to make time for church is temporary, once Winter is over all will be well again.

O Come, O Come, Emmanuel

We went to Christmas Eve service tonight.  It was the  frist time I had been to church in several months.  Our church, Blackhawk, moved to a new facility and I stopped attending after the move for several reasons; Monika's soccer schedule being a big one, my discomfort with being at an even larger church being another.  The past year has been so exhausting for me as a single mother eventually going to church became more of a burden then a place to find peace.  It just became too difficult to force the girls to go with me and I hated going alone. I feel so dried up at times and I am not sure how to find renewal, except to wait for the spring rain again...

We sang christmas carols.  Jessi really got into it- she loves singing.  I was glad to be sitting next to her instead of Erika, who won't even stand.  When we sang O Come Emmanuel I got teary eyed.  Blackhawk always has great musicians (one of the reasons I was attracted to the church, that and the youth group)... the grand piano was so beautiful (I wish I could buy one for Jim for Christmas some day).  I think the song kind of takes me back to grade school; I went to a Brethren Christian school where we sang in chapel every Friday and I loved singing those old hymns.

O come, O come, Emmanuel                    O come, Desire of nations, bind
And ransom captive Israel                          In one the hearts of all mankind;
That mourns in lonely exile here                 Bid Thou our sad divisions cease,
Until the Son of God appear                       And be Thyself our King of peace..
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

holy day?

Sundays have become so much less holy (not only in my home, but in America)... when I was a girl I used to go to church in the morning, have lunch with family, rest up a bit and then go back to church and go out with friends after church.  Sunday was all about church and not much else.  The last few weeks have been difficult for me to just to go, when I can watch it on the internet at home.  There seems to be a loneliness there, with Jim gone and the girls so busy with other activities (not only sports, but they go to youth group activities when they can and life group meetings on Sunday evenings), it is just too depressing for me to show up alone-  I dont' feel any connection.  PLUS there is so much to do at home, and I am feeling overwhelmed with life in general, like I can't fit it all together.  I know God is near, but I am not feeling the church connection on Sunday.

I had a photo shoot this morning with one of Erika's friends, he had put this off and obviously did not like the idea of having "senior portraits".  I tried some different ideas, we went to Owen woods for an earthy feel and the photo shown here was one of the best (doesn't he look frustrated?).  I would have to say it was the most difficult senior shoot I have ever had to do.  I let him take my camera and take photos of me (see other photo) just to keep things fair.

I did a Fall cleaning on the girls' rooms, sweat a ton, cleaned the stove, and started a new book.  I was alone most of the day and I don't really enjoy it like that.  I guess I am just in sad-mode again...